March 25, 2024

This needs to go somewhere, so it's going here... A couple weeks ago, I found out I have cancer. I've had a growth on my scalp for a while that I assumed was some kind of skin infection. In January I noticed a knot on the back of my head, behind my left ear. I figured it was another skin thing, maybe a cyst. I saw my doctor, and she couldn't tell what either was, so she ordered an ultrasound on the lump behind my ear, and referred me to a Dermatologist for the thing on the top of my head. Ultrasound was indeterminate, so I got a referral for a biopsy. Saw the Dermatologist, who performed a biopsy of his own, then I went in for an ultrasound guided biopsy for the bump behind the ear. Results on both showed malignant cells. Subsequently had a CT-PET scan, which confirmed the biopsy results, and showed two nodules in my lungs and one in my thyroid. I had my first Oncology appointment today for an initial evaluation. I have melanoma on my scalp that has spread to a lymph node behind my ear. The nodules in the lungs could possibly be cancer that spread from what's going on above, but that is not at all confirmed yet. The nodule in the thyroid is unlikely to be related as apparently it is very rare for a melanoma to spread to the thyroid. I've cycled through several different feelings about it all in the past couple weeks, for obvious reasons, plus lack of details playing havoc with my preexisting anxiety. I got some of my most pressing questions answered. Despite a rather grim interpretation I was given by my perhaps soon-to-be former Dermatologist, I am not on death's door. I do not have cancer as a result of my immune system being suppressed since my kidney transplant. (The possibility of the cruel irony of having the thing that is meant to save, prolong, and improve my life potentially end up killing me was on a loop in my head the entire time.) And it appears I have a very good chance of coming through this. First thing is to see how much can be handled surgically, and for that, I'm seeing an ENT surgeon tomorrow for an evaluation. In two weeks, I'm getting an ultrasound on my thyroid to see what's going on there, and an MRI to make sure nothing's spread to my brain. I'm getting a referral to a pulmonologist to see what's going on in the two spots in my lungs. I'm being told that there's a chance the surgery could take care of everything on my head, and if the small nodules in my lungs are cancerous, a little radiation to both could take care of them. If not, the usual next step and the most effective would be immunotherapy, which gears up the immune system to fight the cancer, but this isn't an option for me because there is a significant chance it would make my body reject my transplanted kidney and I'd lose it. But I've been assured that I am nowhere near having to make any decisions of that sort. I'm still scared, and sad, and pissed off, but I'm also now a bit reassured, and I feel comforted by the fact I currently have at least 5 doctors all working together on my behalf, and at least one or two more to be added to the list. Right now I'm also drawing on what I learned and some emotional skills I developed during my whole kidney disease and transplant process. Panic and worry at best do no good, and at worst, they make everything harder. When dealing with all the medical stuff, it's best to focus on the process. Follow the steps that professional people with the appropriate knowledge and wisdom will lay out. Ask lots of questions. Be very involved and present for all of it. Get into the details of all of it. Know as much as possible, but only from the mouths of medical professionals, never through "research." That only makes the situation seem 10 times worse than it actually is. Googling will give one diagnosis, and that is that you actually already died like five minutes ago. And for the rest... Find a focus and lean on it hard. My thing has been along the lines of the saying "put your worries in your hands." I make things. While I was feeling like shit under the effects of kidney disease, all I felt like doing was sitting in one spot all day, so I crocheted while I listened to audiobooks through my headphones. Now it's sewing and quilting, because I feel well and can do all the constant moving from machine to ironing board to cutting table over and over. For me, these crafts that involve repetition of lots of small actions that all add up to a big tangible result is extremely satisfying, and sets a very good example on how to approach everything else.